The throes of passion have a way of obscuring reason. And with America’s national day of romance swiftly approaching, it is imperative we all remain ever-vigilant, lest our critical faculties slip and we do something regrettable. To exercise wise decision-making this Valentine’s Day, just remember this simple, holiday-themed mnemonic device:
Roses are red
Cheese is not red
If your cheese is red
Do not eat that cheese
Red is nature’s danger sign. It does not belong on edible cheese. Should it appear, that is your cheese’s way of acting out after being ignored or neglected. How might a cheese turn red? You could leave a wheel out in the heat for a week to find out, but we don’t recommend doing so. Just, come on, don’t eat red cheese.
Perhaps you are wondering, “What about Red Wax Gouda?” What about it indeed, friend. Red Wax Gouda is not, in fact, red cheese. It is the wax that is red, not the cheese itself.
If you are more of a visual learner, we’ve prepared this infographic to explain things.
So, remember: if your cheese is red, it pairs best with a garbage can. Do not eat that cheese. For that matter, don’t eat the garbage can either. But there are Valentine’s Day pairings you should eat. Like, for example, our French Kiss collection.
That’s a wedge of Comte Saint Antoine and a lovely pop-top canister of Parisian chocolate-covered almonds. Paired together, they’ve got all the best qualities of a fresh chocolate chip cookie: toasty, sweet, chocolatey, and a touch salty.
But maybe you consider yourself less a cookie person than a cake addict. Well then, Paul Hollywood, we’ve got a no-bake version just for you. It’s called the Cheese Tower for Two.
Consider it a monument to your love. That’s a metaphor. It’s also delicious. There’s Bijou from Vermont Creamery, Selles-Sur-Cher from France’s Loire Valley, and Cornelia from our very own caves. It also comes with a teak cutting board, which in this metaphor is, let’s say, a cake stand.
Okay, but what if you’re like, “It’s V-Day, pal—I’m looking to get hot and heavy.” Easy, Casanova, we’ve got you covered too. You’re going to want the Forbidden Love collection.
Why’s it hot? Because Mike’s Hot Honey. Why’s it heavy? Because decadent St. Mark’s cheese. Also because it comes in a ramekin, which has a satisfying heft to it. Combined with Dardiman’s Mandarin Crisps, it all tastes like a pepped up orange Creamsicle.
And for those of you who are more sugar than spice, consider instead the Sweetest Thing.
You’re looking at Four Fat Fowl’s St. Stephen and a jar of pistachio cream with a box of Rip Rap crackers. Put ‘em together and it’s like the Fairy Godmother bibbidi-bobbidi-boo’d a pistachio into a s’more.
So if you are thinking, “To theme my cheese for Valentine’s Day, I am going to leave some out until it turns red,” do not disembark your train of thought at that station. Ride it one more stop, to the part where you then say, “But no, that would be a bad idea. Instead I will select the well assembled, fairly priced Valentine’s Day collection from Murray’s that best suits the needs of me and my sweet lover.” You have now made a good decision and are free to let your passions run wild.